pull my finger

Mission Impossible

2005-06-25T03:55:00.000-07:00

B. J. Hickman, a loyal devotee of Michael Jackson, is a busy man. A GOOGLE image search will show that he was front line fodder for the Media throughout the entire Jackson witch hunt. Not to be deterred, he stood his ground planted squarely in front of any camera he could find.
He put his personal life on hold in order to shower his idol with love and support. (NOTE... a Google search of his personal life comes up bumpkiss, zero, nada, zilch.)
This does not insinuate that B.J. does not have a life or a at least a potential for having one.
His knack for jumping into the spotlight with a silly message shows great promise for any future political ambitions. B. J. Hickman’s talent is not unlike failed presidential candidates Teddy (Sink or Swim) Kennedy or Jessie (the Churchless Reverend )Jackson.
Although some may scoff; people like B.J. serve a vital purpose, giving encouragement to those of us who are less fortunate I speak mainly to the thousands of Star Trek geeks who up until now were thought to be the bottom of the barrel when it comes to meaningless obsessions.
Trekies, take heart. You have been elevated by default. A new class of loser’s, the “We love you Michael” crowd, has just beamed you up to second from the bottom (A voyage which no Trekie has gone before.) “Go forth and prosper.”

Broken Dreams

2005-04-02T06:25:00.000-08:00

Iraq was not invaded because of weapons of mass destruction, nor was it overrun because of the vast oil reserves, unless by oil you mean “baby oil.”
Bush overthrew Saddam for one reason and one reason only. Bush is a homophobe. W couldn’t let a flaming fruitcake remain president of an entire country.
Given time, all of Iraq would have been one gargantuan gay bathhouse. Saddam was well on the way to mandating buggery as the only acceptable Iraqi passion. Why do you think young men were willing to die for seventy-two virgins? They wanted out.
Hussein had already started the process while covertly working with the Taliban. Burkas supplied the perfect cover; you can’t tell what someone might be packing under one of them. Gay marriage was well established in the Saddam subculture; S&M was rampant, and wife beating sticks were a dime a dozen.
The very name “Taliban” how gay is that, and everyone knows how they treated women. Saddam was well on the way to recreating the Biblical “Sodom”.
Hussy (Arafat’s pet name for Hussein) and Yasser were more than just a couple of buddies with a soft spot in their heart for killers of Jews. Arafat would visit Saddam on moonlit evenings, unwrap that silky checkerboard babushka, unfurl his impeccably well groomed salt and pepper mullet, flutter those sand filled lashes, and cast a seductive smile toward Hussy. He had Saddam wrapped around his little finger.
Together they spent many an Arabian night decorating the palace in their uniquely raunchy style. The final result was a thing of beauty that Rock Hudson in his prime could not have bested even if he had all of Merv Griffin’s money.
Yasser would often slip into the kitchen, rummage through his Deal-a-Meal, and prepare a few culinary delights for the two of them.
After a feast of goat’s eye and camel cheese they would share thoughts of a utopian future; dreaming of a modified Islamic rule where the President of Iraq, and his little buddy, would institute the use of altar boys in the daily pray vigils.
Bush had to destroy this dream with his never-ending quest to impose freedom and morality on the world.
Lying to the American people, playing on their fears, W was able to stomp out any hope of Saddam and Yasser’s peaceful love nation ever becoming a reality. A giant San Francisco was in the making, and Bush killed it. Another “Blue State” bites the dust.
Sadly, Yasser is no more. He has peacefully moved on, sharing the fate of Rock Hudson, Liberace, and the blue Teletubby.
Saddam has been reduced to a shadow of what he once was. Confined under the watchful eye of a brutal, democratically elected regime he consoles himself writing poetry, and planting pansies in his dungeon garden. Any hope of developing a perfect state, all but gone.
What does the future hold for the once great statesman with grandiose ideas? Well, if he could get his venue changed to Florida, and have Judge George Greer rule on the matter, he’d be back in business for sure. There is not much chance of that happening since Bush is committed to pulling the tube on that lifeline
Hussein’s fallback plan to convert to Catholicism, and call on the pope for asylum has run into a little snag as well.
It looks like history repeating itself. A giant man with infinite potential to impose his will on the ignorant masses is taken down by selfish little ingrates who only care about justice, and freedom.
What are the Iraqi people going to do now? It is obvious that everyone can not have a dozen palaces. Their lives will not change all that much. All they have managed to do is destroy one man’s dream, and in the process make an entirely different nation.
For better or worse, freedom will decide their fate, and we all have Bush to blame.

THE PIECEMAKERS

2005-03-15T16:30:00.000-08:00

Leaders of HAMAS have been secretly meeting with a group of American Progressives on the matter of euthanasia.
A little known group calling itself “Assisted Suicide and Pest Control of America” has been in talks with several terrorist groups.
A spokesperson said. “Our numbers are greater than what you might think. You haven’t heard of us because we are kind of handicapped in the PR department. We’re not allowed to use our nifty acronym.”
It seems that the ASPCA moniker has been taken by a bunch of puppy lovers.
We would have changed our name to something with a catchy set of initials like “Assisted Suicide and Selective Euthanasia Society” but we already had our fliers printed up, and Kinko’s wouldn’t give us much of a deal on a reprint.
Our hope is that with the help of HAMAS we’ll be a household name in no time. Whenever you think of compassion we’ll be the first thing that comes to mind.
Some might think it a strange alliance, but we see it as a grand opportunity to expand into the global market. We chose to concentrate on the things we have in common rather than dwell inordinately on our differences.
Both of our groups are results oriented. Both specialize in the same end product, and both are zealous in promoting a cause.
We differ only in the definition of who is eligible to receive our services, and the techniques used to accomplish our goals.
HAMAS concentrates mostly on blowing up Jewish dogs, and Capitalist Pig American Infidels.
We are more interested in the terminally ill, the severely depressed, the recently impoverished ,and the imperfect. Our methods include massive medication, forced starvation, and an occasional nudge off of the Golden Gate Bridge.
The HAMAS freedom fighters don’t see the recipients of their compassionate explosive devices as victims, but more as patients. No one in his or her right mind would want to continue to live as a stinking Jew or hedonistic American pig wallowing in that sty known as the Great Satan.
One sword wielding social worker beaming with self-satisfaction after just reliving a sorry sufferer of his anguish, and his head said “Allah will be most pleased with me for this special field of humanitarian service I have elected to pursue.”(WoooHooo! 72 virgins, Cha-Ching!)
These American pigs, and Jewish dogs do not have the legal right to put themselves out of our misery in their homeland, that is why we make it our duty to do it for them.
We at Assisted Suicide and Pest Control of America are not quite as ambitious as HAMAS, but we have not been in business as long as they have either. In time we may become as productive as they are, but for now we are content to keep euthanasia “Safe, Rare, and Legal” just like abortion.

Churchill Deserves Some Wampum

2005-03-12T09:38:00.000-08:00

Ward Churchill, famed American Indian, grandson of Winston, and possible crossdresser is under attack.
Churchill has been the sole voice of truth and reason in the otherwise totally Radical Rightwing Extremist Faculty at University of Colorado. Not even 100% of the faculty and staff at the Conservative bastion, U of C will stand behind the courageous freedom fighter and noted plagiarist.
A three-person panel is reviewing Churchill’s performance to determine weather or not he meets the standards of professional integrity set by U.C. What a travesty! It’s a witch-hunt. Not even the panel members could meet the outlandishly high standards of the University.
Tenured Professors must constantly rage against reality in order to come up with original thought to inflict on the naturally rebellious student body.
Almost everything Churchill says is untrue, and out of step with reality. He can make up facts on the fly, and turn even the most benign event into an attack on academic freedom. How much more integrity could one man have? He is a professor’s professor.
Chief Ward the forked Tongue, is hounded by the right wing media because some of his original artwork looks exactly like someone else’s original artwork. How ridiculous is that? All paintings are supposed to look like something. So, his just looks like someone else’s paintings. The point is did he catch the essence of the piece?
Come on Colorado, you have become so seduced by the Bush agenda that you wouldn’t know the truth if it bit you in the butt. Well, Ward Churchill is biting you in the butt! You better wake up and smell the coffee before your little Republican training camp comes crashing down like a jumbo jet in a high rise building.
Howard Dean is running the DNC now, and you better believe your right wing extravagance is about to end.

Please drive safely

2005-03-07T16:05:00.000-08:00

After the recent near miss on the famed, Italian, Communist ,journalist, Giuliana Sgrena at an Iraqi roadblock, Donald Rumsfeld ordered all checkpoint guards to make immediate changes in their mode of operation.
The heavily armed inspectors will be re-equipped with much less lethal weapons, and more people friendly uniforms. (Uniform is modeled in accompanying photo.)
As of today they shall be armed with Nerf guns backed up by potato cannons. If the Nerf gun does not stop the oncoming vehicle then the use of the potato cannon will be authorized, but only as a last resort.
Rumsfeld “We already have a public relations nightmare here. We don’t want to go around messing up people’s personal property. These potato cannons can scum up a windshield pretty good. You could go through a whole bottle of washer fluid just trying to get it where you could see again.
Any normal person out for a Sunday drive in a war zone on a heavily guarded stretch of highway noted for frequent terrorist attacks should be aware of the fact that their windshield might get smudged. That’s the way it is. War is a messy business.”

The military will put up more signs and try to warn folks that they are approaching a toll gate, but there is only so much you can do to stop someone hell bent on breaking the rules.

It has been alleged that the incident involving the famed Italian, Communist, Reporter might have been deliberate. She writes bad things about the US and it is a well-known fact that she doesn’t like America.
When questioned about this, Rumsfeld said. “Jiminey Christmas son, If we went around killing everyone who didn’t like America we’d have to wipe out most of Europe and all of Massachusetts.”

Dirty Byrd

2005-03-06T10:28:00.000-08:00

While visiting the oliverwillis.com web page I noted this photo of alleged prison abuse by the US military in Abu Ghraib.
Close scrutiny shows the photo to be exactly what it appears to be. A fraud! It probably fell out of the Dan Rather, Mary Mapes file, and was snatched up by Willis.
The grainy texture, and dingy color shows the tell tale signs of a time ravaged keepsake. The photo is obviously a 1940s era Kodak moment.
Although still under investigation, it is likely that this is from the private collection of Senator Robert Byrd, D. West Virginia.
Byrd, a powerful advocate of equal rights and self proclaimed savior of the black community is possibly better known for his work in local community service organizations such as the KKK, where he was a well respected Grand Kleagle.
This image quite possibly depicts a very tired and soot covered Robert Byrd taken after an all night cross-burning party.
To be fair, Byrd was probably never personally involved in any lynching.
The cross burnings were just a statement of his conservationist views. Crosses are made of wood, and trees are sacred. Trees should not be sacrificed to satisfy man’s frivolous desire to create an idol. The crosses needed to be burned to protest the wanton destruction of our rain forests.
Another possible reason for his fiery outbursts against the display of crosses is Senator Byrd’s zeal for the Law. These crosses flagrantly defy the most holy of documents, The Constitution of the United States of America.
The crosses would not have been lying on the ground (which would have been perfectly legal) they were hoisted upright. An upright cross is obviously in the air, and the U.S. Government owns the airwaves.
God knows that Senator Byrd, and the Democrat Party with the help of the A.C.L.U. are defending to the death that most cherished of rights granted to the American people, The Separation of the Church from the State.
Interestingly enough, Byrd was defending this Separation Of Church and State crusade long before the Supreme Court even knew it was part of the Constitution, likewise he was way ahead of the curve on the conservation thing.
Tree hugging was not the 60s craze we all thought it to be, but rather a 40s era movement ushered in by forward thinking progressives like the Grand Kleagle, Byrd.

Congress addresses the Lweinski

2005-03-03T16:43:00.000-08:00

In a rare episode of bipartisanship Congress has been secretly working on a bill to override a Presidential Executive Order.
The bill would reestablish the position that Oral Sex shall once again be classified as sex.
The Bill, cosponsored by Barney Frank, a self acknowleged expert on the subject, would remove the pretense of acceptability amongst pre teens and adolescents.
In recent years, the pre teen crowd has been vigorously involved in the practice. It had, after all, the Presidential Seal of Approval, and that’s a tough argument for an 11-year-old girl to defend against.
The “Lewinski” has become a right of passage for 12-year-old boys.
The practice has brought on an avalanche of STDs that were previously unheard of in the kiddy world.

Scientists have documented a number of sexually transmitted diseases that have been transmitted through oral sex. Herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, genital warts (HPV), intestinal parasites (amebiasis), and hepatitis A are examples of STDs which can be transmitted during oral sex with an infected partner.

Although this bill has plenty of support, there are a few in Congress that want nothing to do with it.
Hillary Clinton, Senator from New York, via Bill Clinton and Arkansas is adamantly opposed to any changes in the current legal status of the practice.
Robert Byrd, ancient senatorial historian and former KKK member was still undecided when he made this statement. “What is oral sex? All I know is that if George Bush is for it, I’m again it!”
The honorable Senator from Massachusetts, Teddy Kennedy was more differential in his remarks on the subject. “Ahh,what's the big deal? He never drowned her did he?”
If the Bill passes, it is assumed that Mr. Clinton will have to re-testify as to what he actually did to “that girl, Miss Lewinski.” and with all the pre publicity, this time he really won’t have to lie.

Supreme Clairvoyance

2005-03-02T15:38:00.000-08:00

The US Supreme Court discovered another bit of fine print in an obscure section of the Constitution. “Teenagers may not be executed.” Although until now this could not actually be found in the Constitution of the United States, the current Justices all knew deep down in their heart that it just had to be there somewhere much like the “Separation of Church and State“ “right to privacy” and “a woman’s right to choose”
It has been leaked by a well respected, long time Court employee, that the current set of Justices has finally cracked the code! Much like the Da Vinci Code that has recently been used to ferret out Bible Mysteries and the quatrains of Nostradamus, the Founding Fathers secreted all the controversial writings in a covert code. Justices Ginsburg and Breyer are said to be the ones who actually cracked the thing.
Deciphering the Constitution is a rather multifarious undertaking involving reading some paragraphs backwards, skipping letters and or words, and leaving out numerous definitive statements, after which a coin must be tossed for the best 3 out of 5 to make the finding absolutely rock solid.
Justice Stevens said “If I could, I would say that this has been a GODSEND, but unfortunately the ACLU says we can’t say that, and after 5 legitimate coin tosses we had to concur.
Oddly enough, it turns out the Founding Fathers weren’t the old fuddy duddys everyone thought they were. Some of them were real jokesters. There were several paragraphs where the old boys were bantering with each other in much the same way one would with modern day instant messaging. “Hey, wait till these Negroes find out there really isn’t any right to own slaves. lol!” In another exchange “Boy, some jaws are going to drop when they find out that a couple of sissy boys can marry.”
Justice O’Connor was almost giddy over the latest ruling involving the executions of youthful offenders. ‘This is the last of a whole slew of decisions involving the innocent youths of America. '
It is now against the law to spank your child. You can not eavesdrop on their phone conversations. You can not verbally assault them. You can not prevent them from crossing the State line to get an abortion. Pretty much any discipline what so ever is simply out of the question.”
Time will tell, but it will be interesting to see what the long range effects of these rulings will be. Imagine a generation of totally free and undisciplined people growing up and trying to make this Country run. I would say "God save us" but I can't. Damn coin toss again.

Another one bites the dust

2005-02-28T16:52:00.000-08:00

A surprise for the Sphinx-ster
Bush has given the go ahead for a tank battalion to head for the border. Looks like there’s going to be some more stature toppling and the Lebanese have nothing larger than a Toyota pick up to do the job.
We weren’t quite ready for this one, said one senior US official. We’re not even through beating democracy into the hearts of the Iraqi people and all of the sudden Lebanon wants in on the action.
Syria’s President Bashar Al Assad, son of Hafez (pronounced half ass) is stunned. He knew the Palestinians were plenty sore over the Israeli occupation of their land, but that’s understandable. They are after all, Jewish dogs.
He can’t really believe the Lebanese are miffed over his country’s occupation of their homeland.
“I’ve been occupying Lebanon for years” said Assad. “What’s the big deal now, we are all Arab brothers. They liked being occupied; it kept them from getting bored. The US trouble makers have just stirred everyone up with this freedom nonsense.
Assad plans to visit the US in the near future to talk one on one with the almost Democrat president, Howard Dean. Assad, who is also a Dr. thinks he will be able to click with Dean. They have similar political agendas and of course the medical background. They shoud have a terrific summit. YEEEEWAAAAGGHH!!!!

Bleeding Hearts for Terri

2005-02-27T14:14:00.000-08:00

Hundreds of pro life liberals are headed to Florida to protest the pending execution of Terri Shiavo.
According to Angus McRuinit, one of the professional protesters “We’ve been waiting for years to protest the execution of Charlie Manson, but it looks like that just isn’t going to happen. This Shiavo thing gives us something to do whilst we wait for the really important cases to materialize. It’s good to hone up on your activist skills every now and then.
Since Dubya has won his last election and is no longer a political candidate, protesting executions in Texas has lost some of it’s appeal ”
Thus far all of the efforts made by these groups over the years have fallen on deaf ears. It seems that when a community decides to put someone to death for repeatedly raping and killing children, well, they are just not in the mood to listen to reason.
Angus continues “the Save our Murders and Rapist campaign hasn’t seen the successes it had hoped for.
This Shiavo woman doesn’t really meet all of the qualifications for a full scale protest. As far as we can tell she has never raped or brutally and sadistically killed anyone. The only reason we are willing to take a chance on her is because it looks like there is a slight possibility of us being successful on this one.Quite frankly, our team is long overdue for a win.
Jeb Bush is a bleeding heart conservative (Oxymoron) He just may come to bat for us here.”
The Save Our Murders And Rapist group is further motivated by the possibility of being the first protest group to stand behind Shiavo.
Angus McRuinit. “We feel we have to get there first in order to snag the publicity we so much need and desire. I’m sure we are only a few steps ahead of Megan Seely and her feminist army N.O.W. This is just the kind of case they would love to sink their teeth into. A defenseless woman being held captive by an unfaithful husband who holds her life in his hands. Whooeee! You bet they’ll be there, in full battle mode. We just have to get the cameras on us before they show up and steal the show.

Global warming my butt?

2005-02-26T13:37:00.000-08:00

We have been chewing cud and passing gas for eons. Believe me, my gas ain’t greenhouse compatible.
Go find another patsy to take the fall Mr. Scientist. Dinosaurs farted too, and a heck of a lot more aggressively than me. They wiped out the whole Ice Age. I think they even did it without the benefit of SUVs.
Don't get me wrong.I don't want to completely stop the maniacal scientific crusade against American success. For instance,I do think the ban on the use of lighter fluid in California is a good Idea, and a step in the right direction. I think all Bar-B-Q paraphernalia should be banned.

Global Warming Investment Opportunity

2005-02-26T03:15:00.000-08:00

Global Warming investments Alert.
Gold bullion has recently been touted as a wise investment in these shaky times.
Gold soup has no nutritional value what so ever. You should consider an ample investment in Chicken Bullion. (the little cubes) They last like Twinkies and will sustain you indefinitely through the upcoming man made catastrophes.

HOMO_GENE_IT IS

2005-02-22T15:36:00.000-08:00

Homosexual gene discovered!!!
Scientist recently showcased their latest discovery, a gene that causes gay behavior.
One high ranking, White Coated Brainiac admitted sheepishly," It is a wee bit embarrassing. The answer was right under our noses all along." He was of coarse referring to the distinct and mesmerizing aroma of fried bologna, a common staple throughout America’s penal system
"Homosexual activity seems to get its roots in the prison system. We’ve narrowed it down to one common factor; fried bologna and oatmeal, ingested at high levels will transfer the dormant gene from the innocuous tube steak, to the male inmate. This inevitably leads to homosexuality.
"Enter prison a Ladies Man exit prison a Man’s Lady. End of story."
Gay activists rejoiced, most notably, members of NAMBLA, The Massachusetts Supreme Court, and the Archdiocese of Boston. Richard Simmons remained silent on the issue except for one short statement. “Fried Bologna does not get a high recommendation from the Deal-A- Meal program.”
Hormel meats founder, and flagrantly gay Clinton appointed ambassador to Luxembourg, James Hormel, is under what is bound to be a fruitful investigation to determine if there is any connection between his meat and it’s gay attributes.
One unnamed scientist said. “We would have discovered this sooner, but we have been tied up in recent decades with this global warming issue. Now that we have established global warming as an absolutely indisputable fact, just as solid as the Evolutionary Theory Fact, we can devote time to finding answers to more pressing issues, like this gay gene discovery.
Ironically the answer was sooo simple, and what many of us thought all along. “The gay gene is just a bunch of bologna.”
The global warming nut took a lot longer to crack than we had anticipated. For one thing we took off on a lot of rabbit trails, and yes, Bovine Flatulence is a contributing factor, but not the primary cause.
The delay was due to the fact that every time we were close to zeroing in on our target (Detroit auto makers) a volcano would erupt on some remote island somewhere and completely overwhelm our sensitive instruments, discombobulating our defragmentizers.
Now that our testing is finished with conclusive results, we can concentrate on more important things, and that’s a good thing, because according to our calculations we are all going to be dead from heat exposure by November of 2007.

Congrat to Nerdwallet

2005-02-20T13:03:00.000-08:00

Congratulations on the fine bit of indebth evaluation, Nedrwallet put into his most recent post.
Coppied from comments made in Blame Bush.http://www.blamebush.typepad.com./
Larry, How dare those slack-jawed troglodytes accuse you of hate?You're so filled with love and tolerance that your writings really speak for themselves. There's no sense reasoning with them either, they think that calling some one names constitutes a substantive attack. They can't deal with the facts, and here they are:
They're seal-clubbing, bible-thumping, baby-killing, money-stealing, oil-drilling, chicken-grilling, in-breeding, meat-eating, tax-cheating, SUV-speeding, Gas-guzzling, Truth-muzzling, goose-stepping, sexually-repressing, intimidating, nauseating, salivating, emasculating, ill legal-hiring, minority-firing, flag-saluting, high-falutin, rootin-tootin, Rifle-shooting, Iraqi-looting, Kyoto-polluting, Jim Crow-enacting, Over-reacting, wife-slapping, bull-craping, sister-raping, homo-hating, Negro-dragging, America-bragging, ass-clowning, always-frowning, kitten-drowning, lobster-pounding, monogamous, disastrous, incestuous, always ficticous, Drug-banning, klu-klu-klanning, war-planning, prayer-chanting, primitive, restrictive, vindictive, insensitive, extra-chromosome, anti-clone, testosterone, depleting the ozone, trailer-trashing, gay-bashing, atom-smashing, welfare-rationing, condescending, unrelenting, money-spending, uncomprehending, abu-grahbing, city-razing, gitmo-baying, demon-slaying, opportunistic, mono-theistic, capitalistic, nicoteen-addictited, Reagan-loving, Protestor-shoving, shoulder -shrugging, know-nothings!!!!!!!!
You rethugliKKKlans can't deal with facts like these!!!!!
51 percent is not a mandate. 43 percent WAS.